I wrote this instead of calling you

You told me the truth today

Your truth

The 100% unfiltered truth

Your dreams

desires

wants

wishes.

And for another moment in my life,

I was reminded that I didn’t have a place

in yet another person’s life.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

words you kept repeating,

over and over.

I don’t want you to hurt me either,

but the truth is

you hurt me constantly.

From unanswered texts,

to not answering my phone calls,

when I’m mid-breakdown and having a shitty day.

From arguments that never fully got resolved

to ignoring me and being done

without ever hearing what I wanted to say.

From mixed emotions and behaviors

to you saying things you didn’t mean,

because it’s what you knew I wanted to hear.

From telling me your fears of ending up with the wrong person,

but swearing up and down that I was the “one.”

Only to leave me confused,

If I was “the one,” why do you still not want me?

Why do you not want me for the rest of your life?

If you loved me like you said you do,

“More than you’ve ever loved anyone, ever.”

Why do you not want long-term with me?

Is it because you can’t see it?

Or because you’re too scared that it might happen?

I hope you find what you’re looking for

I hope every dream, want, desire, and wish you have

come true

And maybe it’s petty of me,

but I hope you fall in love one day.

The type of love where you would say yes if they asked with a ring pop

the type of love that makes you want to change your life plans.

I hope they are unsure like you.

I hope you understand one day how it felt in this moment

to be me.

To be so all in and not have those feelings returned.

I want you happy

don’t get me wrong.

But I want you to know how it feels right now to be me too.

To see a future with someone so clearly,

and them not be able to see anything at all.

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