You were my first everything, at such a young age. I’d say I remember everything, but that would be a lie. Bits and pieces will come to my brain from time to time, but truthfully I never think about you anymore. Our relationship had more bad times than good, with you hurting me more than making me happy a reoccurring theme.
You taught me to never let someone else define who I was. To never stay just because you see the potential of someone, especially when they have proven they won’t change.
You took from me my ability to give second chances. You took away my innocence.
You never really cared about me. I don’t think so at least. I remember that I used to live to make you happy, my entire existence revolved around you. I always knew deep down that something was going on, I could feel it in my gut every time I was around you. My entire mood shifted when I would get near you, you disturbed my inner peace and made me feel like I was completely crazy. You hurt me in many ways, but breaking up with you was the best choice I ever made.
You taught me to never ignore my gut feelings. To listen to my friends and family when they tell me they don’t like someone. You taught me that sometimes you have to make hard choices and follow through with them. And that the right person will never hesitate to make you feel confident in your relationship, nor will they put you in a position where you become a choice they have to make. Because they won’t make you be a choice.
You took from me the ability to care for someone in the way I cared for you. You took from me the ability to easily trust instead of feeling the need to monitor.
As far as exes go you were the least problematic. Granted we did still have plenty of problems. I should have let you go a long time ago and for that I’m sorry. I clung onto you like a crutch and that was not fair of me. I tried with you, I know that much. But it became overwhelming sometimes. I felt like every time I tried to tell you how I felt or what bothered me that we always ended up arguing. You always had to be right and I ended up yelling because I got frustrated that you didn’t understand. Even after we broke up it hurt to know that you still saw it as only my fault. That you were the one who tried since our first college. I don’t think you ever understood how hard I tried, and by the time we broke up I’d stopped. I’d stopped caring too. By the time we broke up it was long overdue. Face it, neither one of us wanted to be together anymore. That’s why we both moved on so fast. I want you happy though, I want us both happy. I do still love you, but now as a friend.
You taught me to not settle. That if I’m not happy to do all parties a favor and find what does make me happy. You taught me that just because you love someone it does not mean you’re supposed to be with them or that you’re right for them. You taught me that the way I feel should be heard and should matter.
You took from me the ability of not questioning myself. I feel crazy when I communicate with people sometimes about my feelings because I end up feeling like they aren’t valid. Like there is some reasoning that explains it away like it never even occurred.
You were the biggest heartbreak of my existence. Even thinking about you now makes my stomach tie itself in knots. To this day I wish you could have had yourself figured out, but life doesn’t work like that. And I can’t make you want to be the person I know you could have been. You hurt me so deeply in such a short amount of time, but you also let me know that I could love someone that deeply. You were so bad for me and I knew it. But I did not care. You were the person I was willing to change my entire life plans for and you never even had to ask. I wanted to be what you wanted me to be. I wanted to be enough for you, but I never was. You were not ready for me and as much as I wanted you to be, I could not keep putting myself through the heartache that you put me through.
You taught me that I can love that hard. You taught me that love requires some sacrifices but if its for the right person they won’t feel like you’re sacrificing anything. You taught me that even the people you love can still hurt you, sometimes those are the ones that even hurt the worst. You taught me that I am strong, because I recovered from you, by myself.
You took from me my ability to believe people when they are being genuine. I question everything people tell me now. I’m bigger on actions now than I am words. I constantly need people to prove things to me. You took from me the less neurotic Kaley. For a while you took everything from me.
Each of you hurt me in specific ways. Each of you taught me lessons that I’m choosing to remember, but each of you are a part of my past now. None of you are the future and that is by each of your own doings. I hold no resentment or anger to any of you. I hope you all live the best lives you possibly can. I hope you all are happy with your choices. I’m deciding to leave the past where it belongs. Where each of you belong.
Cheers to the future guys,