I was scared tonight.
I started worrying about the future.
What it looked like.
I spent a large amount of time in the past, trying so hard to make my future as amazing as I could. Tonight, I found myself worrying that that wouldn’t be possible. A year ago, I thought my life was cemented. That I’d finally gotten everything figured out. On paper, it was picture perfect. The minor detail I forgot to think about was if I was happy, and I wasn’t.
Looking back now, my faith in God finally restored in my life, I can see that the choice I ended up making was going to propel me into something better. I just had to wait.
Tonight, when my anxiety was overwhelming me, I turned to God. I needed wisdom from my Dad and I was reminded that lesson I had learned a few months ago, to be patient and wait.
My job is not to figure out my future, my job is to follow and seek my Father to the best of my ability. I’m learning that by doing that, my future will figure itself out; with the help of my Dad. The lesson I’m currently learning is that the harder I push to get my way faster, the longer he is going to teach me the lesson of patience.
My best friend Kerri has a dog named Ollie and she taught him how to wait – patiently, to get his tennis ball. She tells him repeatedly to wait and places the ball a ways in front of him. If he moves too early, he risks starting the process over. But when Ollie does as he was instructed and he waits until she says, “Go get it Ollie” he gets his reward and the satisfaction of pleasing his Master. In this example, I’m Ollie. Being instructed by God in this season of my life to wait for my reward and the satisfaction of pleasing my Master.
I don’t know what my future holds. I don’t know if I will get a email back about the jobs I applied for for after I graduate college. I don’t know if I will get to move to Tennessee. I don’t know if I will get the chance to open my own psychiatric practice. I don’t know if I will get engaged again. I don’t know if I will stay friends with the people I call my best friends. I don’t know if I will get the chance to get married. I don’t know if I will get the chance to have children. I don’t know who I will grow old with. I don’t know when I will die.
But I know that God’s love for me is never-ending. I know that he has an entire book filled with his promises to me. I know that “All things work for the good of those who love the Lord.” I know that “When I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I should fear no evil.” I know that “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles.” I know that “The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their cry.” I know that “The word of the Lord is upright, and all His work is done in truth.” I know that “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the path of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season; its leaf will not wither, and whatever he does will prosper.” I know that “I cried to the Lord with my voice, and He answered me from His holy hill. I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the Lord sustained me.” I know that “You have given me relief when I was in distress.” I know that “I will both lie down in peace and sleep; for You, Lord, make me dwell safely and securely.” I know that “The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Those who know Your name will put their trust in You, for You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.” I know that “I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand, I will not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; my flesh also will rest in security. For you will not leave my soul…nor will You suffer Your godly one to see corruption. You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand there are pleasures for evermore.”
God has had my back since before I was even thought about. Before my grandparents had my mother, before my mother met my father, before my parents decided to have me, and even before all of that. Since the beginning of creation, God had a plan for me.
I have an entire book of promises God has made to me. I have an entire book of miracles he preformed on people that were deemed “unworthy” or “less than” by a broken society. God made me promises because of his never-ending love for me. And God preformed miracles on those deemed “unworthy” or “less than” because he cares about all of his creations, including little ole’ me. God is a loving Father, a Father that wants the absolute best for all of his children. He knows the deep desires of my heart and he wants them for me if they line up with his plan for me.
All I have to worry about it growing closer to him. Because the closer I get to him, the more my desires for my life and the plans he has for me will line up. So what point is there in worrying about the future and my many unanswered questions, when God’s directing my show? I just get the pleasure of sitting back and watching my Dad perform another miracle, this time on my own life. And I plan to thank him for every miracle, big or small, every single step of the way.
With little fear of the future,