“Best Laid Plans”

If I had to help someone understand any lesson in life, the choice for lesson would be simple. You can begin any journey, new chapter, or path with the absolute best intentions and eventually you will find yourself down a road you never thought you would be on. You will mess up, you will make mistakes, you will live with regrets from choices, and you will fail. You start a new chapter after these failures though, one where you have more knowledge of what you want, where you see yourself, and who you are as a person. However, sometimes, once again even those new plans, ideas, and thoughts you have laid out for yourself will sometimes never become your reality. Life has a very interesting way of throwing you curveballs and sometimes your past choices have a way of catching up to you. 

There is a popular theory called the butterfly effect, the theory basically states that if a butterfly flaps its wings on one continent it could cause a tsunami on another continent. In layman’s terms the theory means that a single person’s choice made on a random day of their life could influence their/others lives tremendously down the road. It’s a theory I always found interesting, and I find myself thinking about it at random times during the day. When you first begin to think about it you don’t really think your choices could have that big of an impact on your future. However, when you sit down and really think about it, the deeper the idea gets. When my father was younger, his sister covered him in oil-based paint from head to toe; for someone who does not know anything about art supplies, oil-based paint is incredibly toxic, and my dad almost died. If my dad had died and had never met my mother several years later, I would have never been born – and ultimately would have never been writing this today. The choice from the past that impacted the present now was my grandmother realizing the severity of the situation and getting the paint off my dad as fast as she could (then of course taking him to the doctor). Another choice that impacted right now was when my mom first found out she was pregnant. She and my dad had been trying for a baby for two years when my mom found out she had scare tissue on one of her tubes. She was scheduled for surgery and the day before something told her to call about her results. When she called, the nurse told my mother that she was pregnant. Later, my mom asked the surgeon what would have happened if she had had that surgery and the surgeon said that I would have been killed since she was pregnant. If my mom had not made the choice to call, I would be dead right now.

Every choice has an impact on the future. Regardless of the plans you’ve made, hopes, and dreams you hold, and willpower you must make your life as good as you can – sometimes your choices, even ones from the past that seem un-important can catch up to you. Make your choices wisely. Make your choices line up with what you want for yourself as much as you can. That way (regardless of the outcome) you will know you did your absolute best to get yourself as close to those “best laid plans” you had for yourself. It may not end up like the dream reality you had in mind, but it will be a version of it. A version that has failures, hopes, dreams, regrets, sadness, happiness, and joy all meshed into one perfect story. 

Your story. 


The Hardest Lesson i have Had To Learn

People are like lumps of coal.

To some, those lumps of coal are just that, lumps of coal. To others, those lumps of coal hold promise. That promise is that with enough time and effort, something valuable comes out of it – a diamond.

People are like lumps of coal.

To some, that promise – regardless of the end result, will never be something they want to put their time or effort into. That metaphorical lump of coal will stay a lump of coal. To others, that promise, irregardless of what it could be, is something they want to put their time and effort into.

People are like lumps of coal.

You and me.

Sometimes in life, we find someone we deem worthy of putting our time and effort into. Hoping that they find our lump of coal worthy of their time and effort too. Sometimes, we get surprised and they do and we end up with beautiful friendships or relationships. However, most times that is not the case at all. Beautiful things, require time; something human beings, for whatever reason, are not willing to put forth.

The hardest lesson I ever had to learn is that you have to be okay with people wanting you to be a lump of coal just as much as you are okay with people who want you to be a diamond. Especially because you cannot have one without the other.

Your life in the grand scheme of this big plan, is not significant at all. If you put your minuscule time frame on the world’s timeframe, you are a dot in the center of something much more massive. The world does not owe you a single thing. This was another hard lesson I had to learn; but this lesson was just as important. It is not up to the world to give you the life you think you deserve, with the people you think you deserve. It is up to you to create that life.

This past year of my life was probably the hardest year I have had in a long time. With more personal growth than most people get their entire lives. I’ve learned more lessons about life this year than most people my age and I’m not saying that makes me wise, but it does mean I have been there. I know the feeling of thinking your life is falling apart and you have nothing left to lose. I know the feeling of perpetually being made to feel like you are just, in fact, a big ass lump of coal; that you have no potential of ever becoming a diamond.

But you do.

I learned (the hardest way possible) that it is not up to other people to define your worth. It is not up to the people around you to remind you that you have reasons your life is great, that your eyes, personality, smile, or whatever else is the reason you are pretty. It is not up to other people to remind you that you are doing the absolute best that you possibly can. Everyone is trying to do that for themselves; in the timeframe of the world, you are responsible for you.

While that thought might seem like a scary one, it’s not. There’s something beautiful in being self-assured, because when it comes down to it, you are responsible for the way you feel about who you are, where you are, and what you are. No one on the planet can take that from you.

Diamonds do not need to be told they are valuable. They sit in display cases waiting for the person who sees their worth. They know that despite being overlooked by many, they are what they are. They understand the time and effort put into creating them and they still shine by themselves, irregardless of how long they spend in that display case.

Diamonds don’t need anyone reminding them of how valuable they are. Neither do you. Be a diamond, shine as bright as you can, and the hell to everything else.


Locked Out

I found out today 

The password I made 

for my old work account 

Was something I told myself 

I wouldn’t be able to forget 

It was you 

and the year 

that we met.

I got locked out of that account 

For too many 





Silly Girl

She wanted love so bad,

she often times forgot to ask

if that same love she wanted

so bad

would also last.



It’s interesting watching yourself lose your spark.

Like watching a fire get smothered.

Slowly dimming,

until it just finally goes out.

You sit back and wonder,

if it’s just coming with age,

if you are growing up and realizing

that not everything is worth your opinion.

Or if you just lost the fight

that you used to have in you.


Happy Birthday beautiful!
You are not just my best friend, or my sorority sister, you are my family.
I love you, I’m proud of you, and I hope this birthday is the one that changes everything for you – in the best possible way!


Blog Update

If you want me to be 100% honest, I have had no motivation to write lately. Mainly because I am currently working through a lot on my end and want to put all my energy towards that. I don’t like half-assed blog posts, because of the fact this blog means so much to me. I know that I will be okay and that I’ll be coming at you with some amazing posts in the near future.

But for now, I am taking a mini hiatus from blogging. I don’t think it will be a long hiatus. But I want to focus on myself for right now and be at a better place mentally and emotionally.

Be gentle with yourselves guys and if you need time for you please take it! Self-help and self-love are the most important things you can do for yourself.



My mind goes back to you

at random moments.

It’s always the days

that I never thought you’d pop into my head.

When people make little statements,

unknowingly making my mind drift

to what could have been.

It’s only then

that I find myself



and dreaming

that the outcome would have been different.

That you would be here,

in my arms,

safe and sound.

Where you were meant to be.

Just The Truth

Life never made sense before you

and I know now,

if there’s ever a time after you

that life won’t make sense either.


I fell in love with how much you have to say

like you’ve never met someone

who speaks the same language as you.


My favorite color before you was black.

But it was only after meeting you,

that I realized

the color of the trees so closely matched

the color of green in your eyes.

I found myself

having a newfound love of nature.

Always With Me

In my quiet moments,

I find peace.

In my quiet moments,

I can feel you around me.

In my quiet moments,

with the world slowing down,

I know you are with me.

You have been with me,

in each moment of doubt,

fear, and worry.

I have had times when I didn’t call on you,

when I didn’t trust that you were there.

And tonight, I found myself

doubting your plan.

I was fearful.

And I was full of worry.

But tonight, you reminded me

in my quiet moment,

when the world slowed down,

that you are in control.

That you have my back.

Tonight in my quiet moment,

right before I drifted off to sleep.

I found peace and I felt you with me.

And I was reminded

that there is no reason to doubt,

there is no reason to fear,

and there is no reason to worry.

Because you have always been with me.

Deemed Worthy

I was scared tonight.

I started worrying about the future.

What it looked like.

I spent a large amount of time in the past, trying so hard to make my future as amazing as I could. Tonight, I found myself worrying that that wouldn’t be possible. A year ago, I thought my life was cemented. That I’d finally gotten everything figured out. On paper, it was picture perfect. The minor detail I forgot to think about was if I was happy, and I wasn’t.

Looking back now, my faith in God finally restored in my life, I can see that the choice I ended up making was going to propel me into something better. I just had to wait.

Tonight, when my anxiety was overwhelming me, I turned to God. I needed wisdom from my Dad and I was reminded that lesson I had learned a few months ago, to be patient and wait.

My job is not to figure out my future, my job is to follow and seek my Father to the best of my ability. I’m learning that by doing that, my future will figure itself out; with the help of my Dad. The lesson I’m currently learning is that the harder I push to get my way faster, the longer he is going to teach me the lesson of patience.

My best friend Kerri has a dog named Ollie and she taught him how to wait – patiently, to get his tennis ball. She tells him repeatedly to wait and places the ball a ways in front of him. If he moves too early, he risks starting the process over. But when Ollie does as he was instructed and he waits until she says, “Go get it Ollie” he gets his reward and the satisfaction of pleasing his Master. In this example, I’m Ollie. Being instructed by God in this season of my life to wait for my reward and the satisfaction of pleasing my Master.

I don’t know what my future holds. I don’t know if I will get a email back about the jobs I applied for for after I graduate college. I don’t know if I will get to move to Tennessee. I don’t know if I will get the chance to open my own psychiatric practice. I don’t know if I will get engaged again. I don’t know if I will stay friends with the people I call my best friends. I don’t know if I will get the chance to get married. I don’t know if I will get the chance to have children. I don’t know who I will grow old with. I don’t know when I will die.

But I know that God’s love for me is never-ending. I know that he has an entire book filled with his promises to me. I know that “All things work for the good of those who love the Lord.” I know that “When I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I should fear no evil.” I know that “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles.” I know that “The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their cry.” I know that “The word of the Lord is upright, and all His work is done in truth.” I know that “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the path of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season; its leaf will not wither, and whatever he does will prosper.” I know that “I cried to the Lord with my voice, and He answered me from His holy hill. I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the Lord sustained me.” I know that “You have given me relief when I was in distress.” I know that “I will both lie down in peace and sleep; for You, Lord, make me dwell safely and securely.” I know that “The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Those who know Your name will put their trust in You, for You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.” I know that “I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand, I will not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; my flesh also will rest in security. For you will not leave my soul…nor will You suffer Your godly one to see corruption. You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand there are pleasures for evermore.”

God has had my back since before I was even thought about. Before my grandparents had my mother, before my mother met my father, before my parents decided to have me, and even before all of that. Since the beginning of creation, God had a plan for me.

I have an entire book of promises God has made to me. I have an entire book of miracles he preformed on people that were deemed “unworthy” or “less than” by a broken society. God made me promises because of his never-ending love for me. And God preformed miracles on those deemed “unworthy” or “less than” because he cares about all of his creations, including little ole’ me. God is a loving Father, a Father that wants the absolute best for all of his children. He knows the deep desires of my heart and he wants them for me if they line up with his plan for me.

All I have to worry about it growing closer to him. Because the closer I get to him, the more my desires for my life and the plans he has for me will line up. So what point is there in worrying about the future and my many unanswered questions, when God’s directing my show? I just get the pleasure of sitting back and watching my Dad perform another miracle, this time on my own life. And I plan to thank him for every miracle, big or small, every single step of the way.

With little fear of the future,


[Send]ing You Out Of My Life

Moving on is tricky. But what they don’t tell you, the real bitch involved in the healing process is learning to let go. You can move on easily. If you get fired, you find a new job. If you lose a relationship, find a new boo. If you lose friends, find new ones. Moving on, is the easiest part of the process. But the part that really guts you Internally is learning to let go.

It seems like it should be easy.

A thought I had while staring at a text I was typing up to send to someone who needed to officially be a part of my past. It should be easy. Yet, every word of that message broke my heart just a little bit more. Moving on was easy, after dealing with the emotional heartache of losing someone I cared about. I put in the work, I focused on myself. I got to the final destination of emotional recovery. I moved on. Yet, here I was realizing there was a third and final step to life. The part where you have to let go. Whether that means forgiving someone for what they did to you or closing the book at the end of the final chapter. Eventually, you have to learn to move on.

So, I sat.

Thinking about what I wanted to say in that moment was overwhelming, because there was so much to say. But I realized that sometimes you just have to let go, to me this meant keeping it simple. I owed them no further explanation, they knew everything I felt because I had told them multiple times.

I told them goodbye for good the other day.

And then I hit send.


A Letter From the [EX]it Plan

Last Updated: May 30th, 2020 at 11:04 A.M.

This blog post is a little different than my normal ones. I wanted to do something extra special since my summer classes start June 1st and I won’t be able to post as regularly as I have been lately.

That being said, I recently had a deep conversation with one of my best friends Katie. We discussed all of our prior relationships and what we learned along the way. After my last post addressing each of my exes Katie told me about this idea she had, based on the last relationship she had been in. I loved the idea and told her to write it up and let me post it on here. I know after reading it, I enjoyed it. So, I hope you do too!


That is all I ever was to him, an exit plan. Anything I said, did, or tried to change was only a way out. The countless times I was led on, empty promises, and not being valued were redundant. I have realized that it is not my fault. It is not his fault either. People only change for their person. We just simply were not each other’s person. The best thing we both did was let go. He was right though; I did not trust him. After numerous times, begging him to treat me like a priority, I did not feel secure. I could feel myself slowly fading out of his life. However, I felt the need to hold on. I felt like I would not have anyone else. I thought that I was not good enough to be treated any better. I held a lot of resentment towards him for a long time. I have seen with my soulmate how everything with my ex did not work. I genuinely hope he finds his person. I hope he gets to feel loved and cherished like I do every single day.

You see, love with the person who is your soulmate is effortless… timeless even. It is the person you dance around in the kitchen when no one else is home. The man of your life is willing to get into tickle fights, nerf wars, pick you up and spin you around when you are mad at him. He will do anything to put a smile on your face. He puts that night with the boys on hold for a date night or simply have everyone together. The life partner should give you the security of trying to help you with anything that comes your way. This is what my soulmate has taught me. The small moments mean the most to your partner. Your person in life will be worth more than winning the argument. They will encourage you to be a better person. There will not be “too much time together”. Your person should not try to limit the time you share and say that you can only hang out one maybe two days a week depending on his other plans. 

All your bad habits? You adjust and work on yourself daily. You should always occasionally check in and ask: Is there anything I could be doing better or work on? Having real and constructive conversations about your relationship is healthy and ensures that you are doing the best for your partner and ensuring they feel loved and are happy. I have found love is doing his laundry because you know he hates it. It is cleaning up around him while he is cooking. It is pushing each other to try new things and going places we have never been. Love is picking up his favorite drink on the way over to see him. Every couple is different. Every person is different. That is why it is important to ask what they need from you to feel loved. 


The Four Men Who Had Pieces of My Heart


You were my first everything, at such a young age. I’d say I remember everything, but that would be a lie. Bits and pieces will come to my brain from time to time, but truthfully I never think about you anymore. Our relationship had more bad times than good, with you hurting me more than making me happy a reoccurring theme.

You taught me to never let someone else define who I was. To never stay just because you see the potential of someone, especially when they have proven they won’t change.

You took from me my ability to give second chances. You took away my innocence.


You never really cared about me. I don’t think so at least. I remember that I used to live to make you happy, my entire existence revolved around you. I always knew deep down that something was going on, I could feel it in my gut every time I was around you. My entire mood shifted when I would get near you, you disturbed my inner peace and made me feel like I was completely crazy. You hurt me in many ways, but breaking up with you was the best choice I ever made.

You taught me to never ignore my gut feelings. To listen to my friends and family when they tell me they don’t like someone. You taught me that sometimes you have to make hard choices and follow through with them. And that the right person will never hesitate to make you feel confident in your relationship, nor will they put you in a position where you become a choice they have to make. Because they won’t make you be a choice.

You took from me the ability to care for someone in the way I cared for you. You took from me the ability to easily trust instead of feeling the need to monitor.


As far as exes go you were the least problematic. Granted we did still have plenty of problems. I should have let you go a long time ago and for that I’m sorry. I clung onto you like a crutch and that was not fair of me. I tried with you, I know that much. But it became overwhelming sometimes. I felt like every time I tried to tell you how I felt or what bothered me that we always ended up arguing. You always had to be right and I ended up yelling because I got frustrated that you didn’t understand. Even after we broke up it hurt to know that you still saw it as only my fault. That you were the one who tried since our first college. I don’t think you ever understood how hard I tried, and by the time we broke up I’d stopped. I’d stopped caring too. By the time we broke up it was long overdue. Face it, neither one of us wanted to be together anymore. That’s why we both moved on so fast. I want you happy though, I want us both happy. I do still love you, but now as a friend.

You taught me to not settle. That if I’m not happy to do all parties a favor and find what does make me happy. You taught me that just because you love someone it does not mean you’re supposed to be with them or that you’re right for them. You taught me that the way I feel should be heard and should matter.

You took from me the ability of not questioning myself. I feel crazy when I communicate with people sometimes about my feelings because I end up feeling like they aren’t valid. Like there is some reasoning that explains it away like it never even occurred.


You were the biggest heartbreak of my existence. Even thinking about you now makes my stomach tie itself in knots. To this day I wish you could have had yourself figured out, but life doesn’t work like that. And I can’t make you want to be the person I know you could have been. You hurt me so deeply in such a short amount of time, but you also let me know that I could love someone that deeply. You were so bad for me and I knew it. But I did not care. You were the person I was willing to change my entire life plans for and you never even had to ask. I wanted to be what you wanted me to be. I wanted to be enough for you, but I never was. You were not ready for me and as much as I wanted you to be, I could not keep putting myself through the heartache that you put me through.

You taught me that I can love that hard. You taught me that love requires some sacrifices but if its for the right person they won’t feel like you’re sacrificing anything. You taught me that even the people you love can still hurt you, sometimes those are the ones that even hurt the worst. You taught me that I am strong, because I recovered from you, by myself.

You took from me my ability to believe people when they are being genuine. I question everything people tell me now. I’m bigger on actions now than I am words. I constantly need people to prove things to me. You took from me the less neurotic Kaley. For a while you took everything from me.

Each of you hurt me in specific ways. Each of you taught me lessons that I’m choosing to remember, but each of you are a part of my past now. None of you are the future and that is by each of your own doings. I hold no resentment or anger to any of you. I hope you all live the best lives you possibly can. I hope you all are happy with your choices. I’m deciding to leave the past where it belongs. Where each of you belong.

Cheers to the future guys,


Perfection Isn’t Ideal

When we were born our life was a big blank canvas. As we aged our life became what we made it. Every choice, every mistake, everything we decided shaped it into the thing it became. We spend so much time trying to recover from the course our life ended up taking; that we forget to enjoy the journey. We forget to be present.

They say that life is what happens when you’re busy making plans. Truthfully, I never understood that quote until this moment. Life is what happens when you are busy making plans. The life in your head, that perfect dream life, will never be the life that you live. Because life is notorious for throwing curveballs and knocking you back onto the path you’re meant for.

I guess if anything life is supposed to be this big question mark. A day-to-day statement of faith made by each person with the understanding that it’s going to be exactly what it’s meant to be. We are just the riders on the rollercoaster of life. We can either choose to stay silent and afraid, or we can raise our arms while screaming and enjoy it the entire way down.

I know which choice I’d rather make,


Dear JJ

If someone had told me,

that someone like you

would be in my life one day

I would have told them they were insane.

I never thought I could attract the type of human you are.

Sometimes, I watch you just living life,

and I admire you.

I admire you for the way you live.

You stick to your morals and your values

you are unwavering in your faith

and you find something beautiful in every situation.

You can even manage to turn sad songs into something happy.

I think it’s the way you make me change my thinking,

that I admire the most about you.

Most people say what they think or believe in like a question,

you say them like a fact.

You’re changing me.

You’re fixing me.

You’re making me someone better.

And you have no idea you’re doing it.

Character Development

Life goes on. A phrase I have been repeating to myself pretty often lately. It doesn’t stop for anyone, even people who feel like the past determines the future like I do.

I’ve learned a lot the past few months, especially when it comes to who I am versus who I want to be. I’ve been hurt a lot these past few months by people who I never thought would want to hurt me. But I also learned the most about moving on by that happening.

You can hope for the best when it comes to your future but it’s not the hoping that makes it happen. It’s the action of going out and making the life you want become a reality. What that looks like for everyone differs. People have different needs than you might, which is why everyone’s life journey looks so different.

I’ve learned that the life I want involves being happy. Just unapologetically happy and to make that happen I’ve stopped looking at the past as much. I take notes of my problems and what I could have done different, but I don’t let myself sit and dwell. I want to move forward, not be so focused on what I had that I miss what I have now.

This was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Because it involves me letting go of people and accepting situations for what they are instead of what they could have been.

I used to be terrified of regrets, but now I’m terrified of not having them. I used to be so preoccupied with trying to live this perfect dream life, when in reality that’s not possible. Perfect is boring. I want the type of life that’s exciting and full of possibilities. I want the chance to mess up my life in every way possible. I’m not scared of messing up anymore. I’m just excited to live and see what happens. I don’t care if it’s not perfect.

For once, I’m happy. Genuinely happy. I put in the work of fixing my thinking and moving on from the past. It hasn’t been easy, it’s been really hard at times.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, I think God puts people in your life for a reason. It’s not my place to question, but it is my place to figure out their purpose and make improvements to me after they leave and the lesson has been taught.

Everything is character development.

As always,


I Can’t Wait To Know You Like the Back of My Hand.

You haven’t been in my life long,

but you’re already teaching me.

You teach me patience,

when it comes to wanting to understand you.

Because some people are multi-layered and take time to trust.

You teach me to unlearn my usual thinking

and adopt a more healthy mindset.

You teach me that feelings are a choice

and that not everything has to be perfect all the time in order to be happy.

You teach me that people can go through the worst

and still come out better for it.

You taught me that mistakes and regrets are okay

and that they are there for a purpose,

because you can’t win every time.

You teach me that compromise is not always a bad thing.

You taught me that life is unfair

but you still have to ride the waves.

You teach me a lot

and managed to do it in such a short amount of time.

Sweet Dreams

{Written: Feb. 17, 2020}

A/N: I’ve had a lot of stuff I’ve written in my phone stored away for several weeks now, so I figured I would post it since I haven’t posted on here for a while.

It’s 5:00 a.m.

You’re finally going to sleep.

I’m curious of what comes next when your head hits the pillow.

Do you find yourself thinking back to me?

Does the urge to text me ever consume you?

Do you ever wonder how I’m doing?

Does it ever overwhelm you to think about me,

so much so that it haunts your dreams?

When you finally shut your eyes

do I pop up in your brain?

Do you see the face of a girl

one so desperate for love and affection,

that she stupidly stuck around

as things went in the wrong direction?

Does my face dance across your mind

when you think back to the time,

when your mind was made up and you wanted to be mine?

Do you see my face the night you told me you didn’t want this anymore?

Or do you just see the face of a girl you convinced to keep your bed warm?

I hope I haunt your dreams,

the way you haunted mine.


For the first time in my life,

I managed to smile at the good times

without regretting the bad.

For the first time in my life,

I learned to let go of a memory

and allow it to rest comfortably in the past.

I decided not to tamper with it,

and let it stay.

The way it was,

the way it felt,

and the way I’ll remember you.

A/N: Thank you for the life lessons you taught me in such a short amount of time. You broke me in ways I never thought I could be broken. You damaged pieces of me that I thought were strong and sturdy. You taught me how strong I was and how much better I deserve. I hold no anger towards you anymore, just sadness over who you became. I hope you figure your life out one day and I hope when you do, that you haven’t managed to push everyone away.

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Back in early February I fell into the deepest depression I had ever experienced in my entire life. I had no interest in anything. I felt like I was just waking up everyday and playing a part. Growing up, I had never learned to cope with pain or my emotions and as I grew older and the problems became bigger; I had no idea what to do. Everything felt like the world was collapsing; it got to the point where I felt like I was suffocating from the inside. I felt the most alone and isolated that I have ever felt in my entire life.

I ended up calling my friend Kayley, a sister in my sorority that had quickly become a friend and telling her how I was feeling. How I felt like I was losing touch with myself, how worthless I had been made to feel, how everyone I knew and loved had deserted me in a way, how I felt so alone that I didn’t know if I was going to be okay.

Kayley proceeded to give me the best life advice I have ever received. She told me to stop rushing. A habit I was fairly good at, since rushing into things was how I operated my life. She told me that after everything that happened in my life the past several months, I needed to get back in touch with myself.

With Kayley’s advice, she told me to sit down and write out a list of questions. The questions were supposed to be things that I wanted to be able to answer about myself. The hard questions you try to avoid asking yourself. After that phone call I sat down at my apartment desk and stared at a piece of paper. Eventually, twelve questions landed on it without me even thinking.

It stunned me that there were twelve questions about myself that I had no clue how to answer. As of today (April 8th, 2020 at 10:21 a.m.), this will be the first time I look at that list again.

Q1. Why do I feel like I have to be perfect at everything I do?

Q2. Why can’t I allow people to love me?

Q3. Why does commitment scare me so badly? Aside from growing up in the environment I did and watching my parents not get along very often.

Q4. Why do I crave the amount of attention I do from a significant other/person I am talking to?

Q5. What type of person do I aspire to be and how does that conflict with my current self/what I am doing now? How can I become the person I want to be?

Q6. What do I put so much emphasis on the expectations others have for me? Why do I feel the need to be good enough for other people?

Q7. Why do I second-guess every choice that I make? Why do I seek validation from others that it was the correct choice?

Q8. Why do I have such a difficult time communicating my feelings?

Q9. Why does not having a set plan for the future cause me fear and anxiety? Why can I not be okay with certain aspects of my future containing a question mark right now?

Q10. Think about the last time I really felt like myself. Like I didn’t have to pretend to be someone I was not. Who was I around? What was I doing? How did I feel?

Q11. Why am I so scared of being alone/ending up alone? Why am I not content with being by myself?

Q12. What hobbies do I have that make me truly happy?

Looking back at these questions now, I have answers for several of them. But it took a lot of soul-searching to get to that point. Progress is not made in a day and the difference between February me and the me I am now is simple. Time changes people. Time allows people to reflect on the past and try to make the present better. Time is a magical thing and time is the reason I keep growing.

I’ve had a lot of shit happen in the past several months, but I am watching myself become more me everyday. To me, that’s a victory in itself. Progress takes time, but the best things life have to offer normally do.

You just have to learn to be patient with the process and yourself.

I dare you to make your own list of hard questions. Dig deep. Figure out the hidden truths of yourself. Challenge yourself and your personal growth.

Until next time,


Someone I Loved

Sometimes, life fucking sucks.

You can go through your day feeling on top of the world and feeling like you’re getting somewhere, like you’re moving on. For me it happens often, more often than I would like actually. I feel great, surrounded by friends, laughing, enjoying the littlest moments to the fullest. Then before I know it I’m driving home late at night crying to every sad song on the radio. Screaming at the road as loud as my lungs can manage. Having a panic attack so bad that I can’t breath and I’m hitting my steering wheel so hard my knuckle are sore.

Life is like that. It lets you win some days just to remind you how weak you are others. But I’m learning that’s okay.

I used to think that I had to get through life pulling myself together constantly, because falling apart wasn’t good. Falling apart is healthy. It hurts and it sucks and it might make you feel weak, but it’s healthy and it means you’re healing.

There’s nothing wrong with healing.

So scream, cry, be angry, punch your steering wheel if you have to. Feel something and feel everything. Because it all matters.


I wrote this instead of calling you

You told me the truth today

Your truth

The 100% unfiltered truth

Your dreams




And for another moment in my life,

I was reminded that I didn’t have a place

in yet another person’s life.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

words you kept repeating,

over and over.

I don’t want you to hurt me either,

but the truth is

you hurt me constantly.

From unanswered texts,

to not answering my phone calls,

when I’m mid-breakdown and having a shitty day.

From arguments that never fully got resolved

to ignoring me and being done

without ever hearing what I wanted to say.

From mixed emotions and behaviors

to you saying things you didn’t mean,

because it’s what you knew I wanted to hear.

From telling me your fears of ending up with the wrong person,

but swearing up and down that I was the “one.”

Only to leave me confused,

If I was “the one,” why do you still not want me?

Why do you not want me for the rest of your life?

If you loved me like you said you do,

“More than you’ve ever loved anyone, ever.”

Why do you not want long-term with me?

Is it because you can’t see it?

Or because you’re too scared that it might happen?

I hope you find what you’re looking for

I hope every dream, want, desire, and wish you have

come true

And maybe it’s petty of me,

but I hope you fall in love one day.

The type of love where you would say yes if they asked with a ring pop

the type of love that makes you want to change your life plans.

I hope they are unsure like you.

I hope you understand one day how it felt in this moment

to be me.

To be so all in and not have those feelings returned.

I want you happy

don’t get me wrong.

But I want you to know how it feels right now to be me too.

To see a future with someone so clearly,

and them not be able to see anything at all.

“Say Cheese”

I remember growing up my mother and grandmother always had a camera in my face. Wanting to capture every second of my life like it was going to be the most important second ever. It used to annoy me; family outings were never fully done until mom got the picture of me that she wanted. Sometimes, it even involved sitting through photo after photo with our dog Lucy, my grandmother making some weird noise to try to get my dog to look at the camera.

My entire life was documented by the people around me, but while it annoyed me then, now it’s one of the only things I have left to hold onto.

The thing about pictures is that they never change, even when people do. It’s a snapshot of a moment that was so perfect a visual reminder was needed to accompany it. They show the emotion of every individual in the frame and for that moment they portray, the world stands still. Preserving a memory that would soon be forgotten.

Truthfully, people who don’t take pictures every moment and chance they can scare me. Life is a beautiful thing, oftentimes, leaving us surrounded by beautiful people. Sometimes these people become family and sometimes they become strangers. My mom always used to tell me that, “People come into your life for two reasons: to stay with you throughout or to teach you a lesson.” Those words have stuck with me since I was a child.

I’ve had people come and grow in my life throughout my years, but the one thing that stays the same are the pictures. The pictures remind me of the lessons they taught, a part of me they helped discover, events that make me laugh all over again, and the person I used to be.

Pictures serve a reminder of the past and sometimes that’s the only reminder you end up having that people existed in your life to begin with.


I’m Still Learning

Sometimes, living in your head is a scary place.

I find myself being my judge and jury most of the time.

Picking every choice I make apart,

examining them under a microscope,

and stressing over the outcomes and consequences of actions made

in order to make myself happy again.

I’m realizing lately,

that every choice – good or bad,

have a purpose for the future.

They hold a purpose for me.

It teaches me to grow and heal from the past,

a new concept for someone who runs from everything.

I’m learning that without the insanely shitty times,

the insanely good times would be a little less sweet.

I’m learning that I control my feelings,

not the situations that bombard my life.

I’m learning not to seek validation

from temporary people who hold no place in my future.

I’m learning to enjoy being alone.

I’m learning to heal

and that’s really the only thing I want going through my head.


01.10.2020| Breakdown

And before you know it,

the sad songs become your new happy ones.

Because the pain you feel

was felt by someone else too.

For a moment, you think everything will be okay.

That for the first time in a long time,

you know you won’t feel like this forever.

That you will move on and be happy again.

But then you hear that one happy song,

the one that puts you at the center of a memory.

Suddenly, you’re back in his car

on a long road trip,

both singing off key to every song that comes on the radio.

You can’t help but be reminded of those better times.

When the future seemed definite

and your heart wasn’t ripping into pieces.

You wanted to laugh about that memory with them,

but you look around and are reminded that they aren’t here anymore.

You found yourself breaking down today,

because you want to go back to that time.

To long road trips and singing off key to every song on the radio.

And before you know it you realize,

that the songs that used to make you happy

are now the ones that make you sad.

That the happy songs are now a constant reminder

of just how uncertain the future is.

A Letter To Me Now

You’re okay

You’re going to move on

I know the past few months have been your own personal hell

that you’ve lost friends

a partner

people you loved

things you cared about

and situations you invested too much time in.

But you’re growing

you’re changing.

I’ve never been prouder of you

than I am watching you become the person you always were.

Heartache hurts

but it teaches you lessons

that you wouldn’t have learned otherwise.

I’m proud of you for being strong enough

to get through it in a healthy way.

You’re trying.

Sometimes that’s a victory in itself.

Leave A Message At The Tone

I found myself wanting to call you today

but I realized I can’t talk to the person

who hurt me about what’s hurting me

I see you so clearly in my mind

everywhere I go

You’re in my room

eating Taco Bell on the floor

You’re in my car

singing along to every song you know

You’re at the grocery store

picking up apples and caramel

You’re at my front door

doing what you do best,

walking away.

The truth is, I’m still hurt.

But I’ll never tell you that.

Because telling you

would be me justifying how you acted,

putting a bandaid over my gaping wound

and telling you that it didn’t hurt that bad.

That if you apologize or kiss it and make it better

it’ll be like it never existed

like it never happened.

But it did.

It all happened.

You happened.

I almost called you today,

but instead I deleted your number

and reminded myself that I deserve better

than an uncertain little boy

who could never make up his mind

when it came to anything involving me.

Thank you Lauren

I went to counseling today

and had a mental breakdown

Lauren, stared back at me

I’m sure wondering how long I’d keep all these feelings to myself

But she just sat

and was quiet

She listened to my concerns

and didn’t judge me when I was unsure of what I wanted

she just listened

I never had that before

I grew up in disfunction

where yelling and cursing were actions assigned to love

I grew up watching two people who hated each other

stay together out of the thought that it would benefit me

it never benefited me

But as I told Lauren all of this

she just sat across from me

an emotionless face

and listened

and after she told me my feelings were valid

Telling My Story

I have tried telling this story a thousand times in my life. Each time, I cut myself off at the spots that were the hardest. The parts I don’t remember, the parts my brain blocked out from my subconscious, the parts that hurt the most.

The truth is, I don’t remember. Not fully, never fully. Instead, I get reminders. The smell of peaches. The taste of moonshine. The feel of a heavy body on mine. Sudden touches I never asked for. The smell of Old Spice deodorant. The way the house smelt and smell of alcohol on his breath.

I don’t remember saying yes and I don’t remember saying no. Truthfully, I don’t remember saying anything. Maybe due to the fact that I was so drunk I couldn’t even walk straight. I remember I loved him. That’s it, but I also remember flashbacks of that night hitting me like a freight train. I’d wake up screaming, crying sometimes when they were vivid. I couldn’t stand the smell of peaches for years, and once the flashbacks started, and questions about that night began to be answered, I couldn’t stand him either.

I was sixteen years old when I was raped by the guy I loved. I was sixteen years old when I discovered every terrible story you hear about, ended up happening to me. I was sixteen years old when I learned the real definition of trauma. I was sixteen. The highlight of my youth. The year I got my driver’s license. Sixteen.

I struggled a long time with moving on. Even longer learning ways to cope. Longer when it came to not acting like it didn’t happen. It’s been almost six years, and I still have flashbacks. I still smell the peaches. I can still feel his hands on my body. I can still smell the Old Spice. I still wake up screaming sometimes, other times crying.

The thing about trauma is that you learn to live with it. You learn as the years go by, that while you can’t change it, you can choose to turn it into something positive. Join a support group. Volunteer at a woman’s shelter. Help women who went through the same things you did. Learn how you want to cope, but don’t sit and dwell on events your brain purposefully hides from you. There’s a reason, a defense mechanism. It’s your brains way of protecting you from things that caused you pain.

It’s been six years and I eat peaches again. The smell of Old Spice deodorant doesn’t make me want to vomit. I still don’t like moonshine, now just because I find it nasty. Touches don’t overwhelm me anymore, they don’t trigger flashbacks. It’s been six years and I find myself doing better everyday. I find myself moving on more everyday.

If you or someone you know is a victim of sexual assault and violence please, do not be afraid to reach out and ask for help. You are not alone. You are in control of what happens after.

Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.


Visit the link below regarding information on the types of support and help you have available to you:


As always,


My Experience In Greek Life|Delta Phi Epsilon

When I was a kid, I remember being so fascinated with sororities and Greek life. I remember being so excited to go off to Harvard Law School like El Woods did while also having an entire support system behind her. Or finding some kick-ass friends like Shelly in House Bunny. Unfortunately, while I was never a Playboy centerfold or particularly smart enough to get into Harvard; I did get one of my wishes.

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My Skincare Routine

If we are being honest, I got into skincare later in life. My mom let me play around with makeup when I was younger and unfortunately, the products that are viewed as “holy grails” were not around back then. I struggled with acne my entire life due to the fact I did not know how to take care of my skin properly.

That being said, I think it is important for me to add that around the age of sixteen I had experimented with so many face washes and moisturizers to the point I began to think nothing would work for me. It wasn’t until I was around eighteen that I stumbled upon the brand Murad. To this day it is still the only staple I have in my skincare routine and I have never faltered from using it.

However, other than my Murad facewash, I can’t say I have a “routine” when it comes to my skin. On some days, I do my skin care routine in the morning and night, other times I may go the entire day and not touch my skin at all. It is simply a touch and go process for me and it depends completely on how lazy I am feeling on any given day.

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May 2019 Favorites

Welcome back to my blog. It has been a crazy few weeks! Around May 17th I got my tonsils out and was down for the count for a bit there. That being said, I am doing much better now and decided to come at you with a blog post today. I haven’t done a monthly favorites in a while so I figured why not. I’ve expanded my music taste, hobbies, and a bunch more. Hopefully, you find even one of these slightly interesting.

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December 18th, 2018

I’ve had this fantasy version of my husband in my head since I was a kid. I used to imagine what he would look like and daydream of the day we would get to meet. I used to write him letters and pray for him. I would put on my grandmother’s baby blue robe (that was way too long on my short body) and pretend it was my wedding dress. I would practice walking down the aisle to this person, daydreaming of the day it would really happen. This man was always in my thoughts.

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I know that you might not think

you are special

or of particular importance,

but in the history book of my life

your name

would be on every page.