My favorite color before you was black.

But it was only after meeting you,

that I realized

the color of the trees so closely matched

the color of green in your eyes.

I found myself

having a newfound love of nature.

Always With Me

In my quiet moments,

I find peace.

In my quiet moments,

I can feel you around me.

In my quiet moments,

with the world slowing down,

I know you are with me.

You have been with me,

in each moment of doubt,

fear, and worry.

I have had times when I didn’t call on you,

when I didn’t trust that you were there.

And tonight, I found myself

doubting your plan.

I was fearful.

And I was full of worry.

But tonight, you reminded me

in my quiet moment,

when the world slowed down,

that you are in control.

That you have my back.

Tonight in my quiet moment,

right before I drifted off to sleep.

I found peace and I felt you with me.

And I was reminded

that there is no reason to doubt,

there is no reason to fear,

and there is no reason to worry.

Because you have always been with me.

Deemed Worthy

I was scared tonight.

I started worrying about the future.

What it looked like.

I spent a large amount of time in the past, trying so hard to make my future as amazing as I could. Tonight, I found myself worrying that that wouldn’t be possible. A year ago, I thought my life was cemented. That I’d finally gotten everything figured out. On paper, it was picture perfect. The minor detail I forgot to think about was if I was happy, and I wasn’t.

Looking back now, my faith in God finally restored in my life, I can see that the choice I ended up making was going to propel me into something better. I just had to wait.

Tonight, when my anxiety was overwhelming me, I turned to God. I needed wisdom from my Dad and I was reminded that lesson I had learned a few months ago, to be patient and wait.

My job is not to figure out my future, my job is to follow and seek my Father to the best of my ability. I’m learning that by doing that, my future will figure itself out; with the help of my Dad. The lesson I’m currently learning is that the harder I push to get my way faster, the longer he is going to teach me the lesson of patience.

My best friend Kerri has a dog named Ollie and she taught him how to wait – patiently, to get his tennis ball. She tells him repeatedly to wait and places the ball a ways in front of him. If he moves too early, he risks starting the process over. But when Ollie does as he was instructed and he waits until she says, “Go get it Ollie” he gets his reward and the satisfaction of pleasing his Master. In this example, I’m Ollie. Being instructed by God in this season of my life to wait for my reward and the satisfaction of pleasing my Master.

I don’t know what my future holds. I don’t know if I will get a email back about the jobs I applied for for after I graduate college. I don’t know if I will get to move to Tennessee. I don’t know if I will get the chance to open my own psychiatric practice. I don’t know if I will get engaged again. I don’t know if I will stay friends with the people I call my best friends. I don’t know if I will get the chance to get married. I don’t know if I will get the chance to have children. I don’t know who I will grow old with. I don’t know when I will die.

But I know that God’s love for me is never-ending. I know that he has an entire book filled with his promises to me. I know that “All things work for the good of those who love the Lord.” I know that “When I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I should fear no evil.” I know that “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles.” I know that “The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their cry.” I know that “The word of the Lord is upright, and all His work is done in truth.” I know that “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the path of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season; its leaf will not wither, and whatever he does will prosper.” I know that “I cried to the Lord with my voice, and He answered me from His holy hill. I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the Lord sustained me.” I know that “You have given me relief when I was in distress.” I know that “I will both lie down in peace and sleep; for You, Lord, make me dwell safely and securely.” I know that “The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Those who know Your name will put their trust in You, for You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.” I know that “I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand, I will not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; my flesh also will rest in security. For you will not leave my soul…nor will You suffer Your godly one to see corruption. You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand there are pleasures for evermore.”

God has had my back since before I was even thought about. Before my grandparents had my mother, before my mother met my father, before my parents decided to have me, and even before all of that. Since the beginning of creation, God had a plan for me.

I have an entire book of promises God has made to me. I have an entire book of miracles he preformed on people that were deemed “unworthy” or “less than” by a broken society. God made me promises because of his never-ending love for me. And God preformed miracles on those deemed “unworthy” or “less than” because he cares about all of his creations, including little ole’ me. God is a loving Father, a Father that wants the absolute best for all of his children. He knows the deep desires of my heart and he wants them for me if they line up with his plan for me.

All I have to worry about it growing closer to him. Because the closer I get to him, the more my desires for my life and the plans he has for me will line up. So what point is there in worrying about the future and my many unanswered questions, when God’s directing my show? I just get the pleasure of sitting back and watching my Dad perform another miracle, this time on my own life. And I plan to thank him for every miracle, big or small, every single step of the way.

With little fear of the future,


[Send]ing You Out Of My Life

Moving on is tricky. But what they don’t tell you, the real bitch involved in the healing process is learning to let go. You can move on easily. If you get fired, you find a new job. If you lose a relationship, find a new boo. If you lose friends, find new ones. Moving on, is the easiest part of the process. But the part that really guts you Internally is learning to let go.

It seems like it should be easy.

A thought I had while staring at a text I was typing up to send to someone who needed to officially be a part of my past. It should be easy. Yet, every word of that message broke my heart just a little bit more. Moving on was easy, after dealing with the emotional heartache of losing someone I cared about. I put in the work, I focused on myself. I got to the final destination of emotional recovery. I moved on. Yet, here I was realizing there was a third and final step to life. The part where you have to let go. Whether that means forgiving someone for what they did to you or closing the book at the end of the final chapter. Eventually, you have to learn to move on.

So, I sat.

Thinking about what I wanted to say in that moment was overwhelming, because there was so much to say. But I realized that sometimes you just have to let go, to me this meant keeping it simple. I owed them no further explanation, they knew everything I felt because I had told them multiple times.

I told them goodbye for good the other day.

And then I hit send.


A Letter From the [EX]it Plan

Last Updated: May 30th, 2020 at 11:04 A.M.

This blog post is a little different than my normal ones. I wanted to do something extra special since my summer classes start June 1st and I won’t be able to post as regularly as I have been lately.

That being said, I recently had a deep conversation with one of my best friends Katie. We discussed all of our prior relationships and what we learned along the way. After my last post addressing each of my exes Katie told me about this idea she had, based on the last relationship she had been in. I loved the idea and told her to write it up and let me post it on here. I know after reading it, I enjoyed it. So, I hope you do too!


That is all I ever was to him, an exit plan. Anything I said, did, or tried to change was only a way out. The countless times I was led on, empty promises, and not being valued were redundant. I have realized that it is not my fault. It is not his fault either. People only change for their person. We just simply were not each other’s person. The best thing we both did was let go. He was right though; I did not trust him. After numerous times, begging him to treat me like a priority, I did not feel secure. I could feel myself slowly fading out of his life. However, I felt the need to hold on. I felt like I would not have anyone else. I thought that I was not good enough to be treated any better. I held a lot of resentment towards him for a long time. I have seen with my soulmate how everything with my ex did not work. I genuinely hope he finds his person. I hope he gets to feel loved and cherished like I do every single day.

You see, love with the person who is your soulmate is effortless… timeless even. It is the person you dance around in the kitchen when no one else is home. The man of your life is willing to get into tickle fights, nerf wars, pick you up and spin you around when you are mad at him. He will do anything to put a smile on your face. He puts that night with the boys on hold for a date night or simply have everyone together. The life partner should give you the security of trying to help you with anything that comes your way. This is what my soulmate has taught me. The small moments mean the most to your partner. Your person in life will be worth more than winning the argument. They will encourage you to be a better person. There will not be “too much time together”. Your person should not try to limit the time you share and say that you can only hang out one maybe two days a week depending on his other plans. 

All your bad habits? You adjust and work on yourself daily. You should always occasionally check in and ask: Is there anything I could be doing better or work on? Having real and constructive conversations about your relationship is healthy and ensures that you are doing the best for your partner and ensuring they feel loved and are happy. I have found love is doing his laundry because you know he hates it. It is cleaning up around him while he is cooking. It is pushing each other to try new things and going places we have never been. Love is picking up his favorite drink on the way over to see him. Every couple is different. Every person is different. That is why it is important to ask what they need from you to feel loved. 


The Four Men Who Had Pieces of My Heart


You were my first everything, at such a young age. I’d say I remember everything, but that would be a lie. Bits and pieces will come to my brain from time to time, but truthfully I never think about you anymore. Our relationship had more bad times than good, with you hurting me more than making me happy a reoccurring theme.

You taught me to never let someone else define who I was. To never stay just because you see the potential of someone, especially when they have proven they won’t change.

You took from me my ability to give second chances. You took away my innocence.


You never really cared about me. I don’t think so at least. I remember that I used to live to make you happy, my entire existence revolved around you. I always knew deep down that something was going on, I could feel it in my gut every time I was around you. My entire mood shifted when I would get near you, you disturbed my inner peace and made me feel like I was completely crazy. You hurt me in many ways, but breaking up with you was the best choice I ever made.

You taught me to never ignore my gut feelings. To listen to my friends and family when they tell me they don’t like someone. You taught me that sometimes you have to make hard choices and follow through with them. And that the right person will never hesitate to make you feel confident in your relationship, nor will they put you in a position where you become a choice they have to make. Because they won’t make you be a choice.

You took from me the ability to care for someone in the way I cared for you. You took from me the ability to easily trust instead of feeling the need to monitor.


As far as exes go you were the least problematic. Granted we did still have plenty of problems. I should have let you go a long time ago and for that I’m sorry. I clung onto you like a crutch and that was not fair of me. I tried with you, I know that much. But it became overwhelming sometimes. I felt like every time I tried to tell you how I felt or what bothered me that we always ended up arguing. You always had to be right and I ended up yelling because I got frustrated that you didn’t understand. Even after we broke up it hurt to know that you still saw it as only my fault. That you were the one who tried since our first college. I don’t think you ever understood how hard I tried, and by the time we broke up I’d stopped. I’d stopped caring too. By the time we broke up it was long overdue. Face it, neither one of us wanted to be together anymore. That’s why we both moved on so fast. I want you happy though, I want us both happy. I do still love you, but now as a friend.

You taught me to not settle. That if I’m not happy to do all parties a favor and find what does make me happy. You taught me that just because you love someone it does not mean you’re supposed to be with them or that you’re right for them. You taught me that the way I feel should be heard and should matter.

You took from me the ability of not questioning myself. I feel crazy when I communicate with people sometimes about my feelings because I end up feeling like they aren’t valid. Like there is some reasoning that explains it away like it never even occurred.


You were the biggest heartbreak of my existence. Even thinking about you now makes my stomach tie itself in knots. To this day I wish you could have had yourself figured out, but life doesn’t work like that. And I can’t make you want to be the person I know you could have been. You hurt me so deeply in such a short amount of time, but you also let me know that I could love someone that deeply. You were so bad for me and I knew it. But I did not care. You were the person I was willing to change my entire life plans for and you never even had to ask. I wanted to be what you wanted me to be. I wanted to be enough for you, but I never was. You were not ready for me and as much as I wanted you to be, I could not keep putting myself through the heartache that you put me through.

You taught me that I can love that hard. You taught me that love requires some sacrifices but if its for the right person they won’t feel like you’re sacrificing anything. You taught me that even the people you love can still hurt you, sometimes those are the ones that even hurt the worst. You taught me that I am strong, because I recovered from you, by myself.

You took from me my ability to believe people when they are being genuine. I question everything people tell me now. I’m bigger on actions now than I am words. I constantly need people to prove things to me. You took from me the less neurotic Kaley. For a while you took everything from me.

Each of you hurt me in specific ways. Each of you taught me lessons that I’m choosing to remember, but each of you are a part of my past now. None of you are the future and that is by each of your own doings. I hold no resentment or anger to any of you. I hope you all live the best lives you possibly can. I hope you all are happy with your choices. I’m deciding to leave the past where it belongs. Where each of you belong.

Cheers to the future guys,


Perfection Isn’t Ideal

When we were born our life was a big blank canvas. As we aged our life became what we made it. Every choice, every mistake, everything we decided shaped it into the thing it became. We spend so much time trying to recover from the course our life ended up taking; that we forget to enjoy the journey. We forget to be present.

They say that life is what happens when you’re busy making plans. Truthfully, I never understood that quote until this moment. Life is what happens when you are busy making plans. The life in your head, that perfect dream life, will never be the life that you live. Because life is notorious for throwing curveballs and knocking you back onto the path you’re meant for.

I guess if anything life is supposed to be this big question mark. A day-to-day statement of faith made by each person with the understanding that it’s going to be exactly what it’s meant to be. We are just the riders on the rollercoaster of life. We can either choose to stay silent and afraid, or we can raise our arms while screaming and enjoy it the entire way down.

I know which choice I’d rather make,


Dear JJ

If someone had told me,

that someone like you

would be in my life one day

I would have told them they were insane.

I never thought I could attract the type of human you are.

Sometimes, I watch you just living life,

and I admire you.

I admire you for the way you live.

You stick to your morals and your values

you are unwavering in your faith

and you find something beautiful in every situation.

You can even manage to turn sad songs into something happy.

I think it’s the way you make me change my thinking,

that I admire the most about you.

Most people say what they think or believe in like a question,

you say them like a fact.

You’re changing me.

You’re fixing me.

You’re making me someone better.

And you have no idea you’re doing it.

Character Development

Life goes on. A phrase I have been repeating to myself pretty often lately. It doesn’t stop for anyone, even people who feel like the past determines the future like I do.

I’ve learned a lot the past few months, especially when it comes to who I am versus who I want to be. I’ve been hurt a lot these past few months by people who I never thought would want to hurt me. But I also learned the most about moving on by that happening.

You can hope for the best when it comes to your future but it’s not the hoping that makes it happen. It’s the action of going out and making the life you want become a reality. What that looks like for everyone differs. People have different needs than you might, which is why everyone’s life journey looks so different.

I’ve learned that the life I want involves being happy. Just unapologetically happy and to make that happen I’ve stopped looking at the past as much. I take notes of my problems and what I could have done different, but I don’t let myself sit and dwell. I want to move forward, not be so focused on what I had that I miss what I have now.

This was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Because it involves me letting go of people and accepting situations for what they are instead of what they could have been.

I used to be terrified of regrets, but now I’m terrified of not having them. I used to be so preoccupied with trying to live this perfect dream life, when in reality that’s not possible. Perfect is boring. I want the type of life that’s exciting and full of possibilities. I want the chance to mess up my life in every way possible. I’m not scared of messing up anymore. I’m just excited to live and see what happens. I don’t care if it’s not perfect.

For once, I’m happy. Genuinely happy. I put in the work of fixing my thinking and moving on from the past. It hasn’t been easy, it’s been really hard at times.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, I think God puts people in your life for a reason. It’s not my place to question, but it is my place to figure out their purpose and make improvements to me after they leave and the lesson has been taught.

Everything is character development.

As always,


Okay, We’re Bored In The House (Quarantine TV Suggestions)

Well, it’s Corona time ladies and gents and with people freaking out still; I thought what better way to help my fellow members of the struggle bus than compiling a list of binge-worthy tv shows and exhilarating movies? So, sit down with your favorite snack and drink of choice and see if any of these intrigue you.

Happy Watching!

Since it’s summertime this beach based show fulfills all the adventure vibes I won’t be getting because of Corona. The entire show is built on finding a four million dollar treasure that was lost in a shipwreck. The main characters try to locate this while also having to deal with people trying to stop them. Along with that there is also your typical teen drama. This show has something for everyone.
This show id different from usual shows I watch, but it was mob related so of course I had to check it out. It’s set in the time between WWI and WWII and deals with the Shelby family and their mob Peaky Blinders. The main character Tommy is probably one of the most interesting characters I have ever seen. He is very cunning and knows exactly what to do at all times. Along with that all the characters are pretty unpredictable and you will stay guessing on what they will do next. There’s also a big romance side to this show as well between Tommy and the bar maid Grace.
Honestly, is anyone surprised about this? I talk about this show more often then I should probably. But there is a reason it has such a large fan base. Aside from the last season, which the world agreed was the worst final season of any show, it has the best plots, character developments, and honestly best everything. Plus, there’s dragons!
This is probably one of the best movies on Netflix right now. I watched this with my best friend Kerri a few weeks ago and we had eighty-thousand different theories to how this movie could end and we didn’t get it right at all.
It follows this woman who cares for an elderly man. The two are very good friends. Then he ends up murdered and she ends up getting the house after he puts her in his will. Everything seems to be going good.
Until it’s not.
When I say I love this show, I mean it. There’s only one season but I believe they are coming out with a second one soon. It follows a blind girl (who has the most sarcastic asshole sense of humor I’ve ever heard) trying to figure out who killed her best friend. She suffers from a drinking problem and is a general dick to everyone around her. But as the season progresses she really blossoms into such a great person. Along with that, the plot twist on who the killer is left me shook for days.