EMBERS

It’s interesting watching yourself lose your spark.

Like watching a fire get smothered.

Slowly dimming,

until it just finally goes out.

You sit back and wonder,

if it’s just coming with age,

if you are growing up and realizing

that not everything is worth your opinion.

Or if you just lost the fight

that you used to have in you.

Kerri

Happy Birthday beautiful!
You are not just my best friend, or my sorority sister, you are my family.
I love you, I’m proud of you, and I hope this birthday is the one that changes everything for you – in the best possible way!

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Caleb

I know that you might not think

you are special

or of particular importance,

but in the history book of my life

your name

would be on every page.

Talkative

I fell in love with how much you have to say

like you’ve never met someone

who speaks the same language as you.

EVERYTHING GREEN

My favorite color before you was black.

But it was only after meeting you,

that I realized

the color of the trees so closely matched

the color of green in your eyes.

I found myself

having a newfound love of nature.

A Letter From the [EX]it Plan

Last Updated: May 30th, 2020 at 11:04 A.M.

This blog post is a little different than my normal ones. I wanted to do something extra special since my summer classes start June 1st and I won’t be able to post as regularly as I have been lately.

That being said, I recently had a deep conversation with one of my best friends Katie. We discussed all of our prior relationships and what we learned along the way. After my last post addressing each of my exes Katie told me about this idea she had, based on the last relationship she had been in. I loved the idea and told her to write it up and let me post it on here. I know after reading it, I enjoyed it. So, I hope you do too!

———————————————————————————-

That is all I ever was to him, an exit plan. Anything I said, did, or tried to change was only a way out. The countless times I was led on, empty promises, and not being valued were redundant. I have realized that it is not my fault. It is not his fault either. People only change for their person. We just simply were not each other’s person. The best thing we both did was let go. He was right though; I did not trust him. After numerous times, begging him to treat me like a priority, I did not feel secure. I could feel myself slowly fading out of his life. However, I felt the need to hold on. I felt like I would not have anyone else. I thought that I was not good enough to be treated any better. I held a lot of resentment towards him for a long time. I have seen with my soulmate how everything with my ex did not work. I genuinely hope he finds his person. I hope he gets to feel loved and cherished like I do every single day.

You see, love with the person who is your soulmate is effortless… timeless even. It is the person you dance around in the kitchen when no one else is home. The man of your life is willing to get into tickle fights, nerf wars, pick you up and spin you around when you are mad at him. He will do anything to put a smile on your face. He puts that night with the boys on hold for a date night or simply have everyone together. The life partner should give you the security of trying to help you with anything that comes your way. This is what my soulmate has taught me. The small moments mean the most to your partner. Your person in life will be worth more than winning the argument. They will encourage you to be a better person. There will not be “too much time together”. Your person should not try to limit the time you share and say that you can only hang out one maybe two days a week depending on his other plans. 

All your bad habits? You adjust and work on yourself daily. You should always occasionally check in and ask: Is there anything I could be doing better or work on? Having real and constructive conversations about your relationship is healthy and ensures that you are doing the best for your partner and ensuring they feel loved and are happy. I have found love is doing his laundry because you know he hates it. It is cleaning up around him while he is cooking. It is pushing each other to try new things and going places we have never been. Love is picking up his favorite drink on the way over to see him. Every couple is different. Every person is different. That is why it is important to ask what they need from you to feel loved. 

-SincerelyKaley&Katie

Sweet Dreams

{Written: Feb. 17, 2020}

A/N: I’ve had a lot of stuff I’ve written in my phone stored away for several weeks now, so I figured I would post it since I haven’t posted on here for a while.

It’s 5:00 a.m.

You’re finally going to sleep.

I’m curious of what comes next when your head hits the pillow.

Do you find yourself thinking back to me?

Does the urge to text me ever consume you?

Do you ever wonder how I’m doing?

Does it ever overwhelm you to think about me,

so much so that it haunts your dreams?

When you finally shut your eyes

do I pop up in your brain?

Do you see the face of a girl

one so desperate for love and affection,

that she stupidly stuck around

as things went in the wrong direction?

Does my face dance across your mind

when you think back to the time,

when your mind was made up and you wanted to be mine?

Do you see my face the night you told me you didn’t want this anymore?

Or do you just see the face of a girl you convinced to keep your bed warm?

I hope I haunt your dreams,

the way you haunted mine.

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Back in early February I fell into the deepest depression I had ever experienced in my entire life. I had no interest in anything. I felt like I was just waking up everyday and playing a part. Growing up, I had never learned to cope with pain or my emotions and as I grew older and the problems became bigger; I had no idea what to do. Everything felt like the world was collapsing; it got to the point where I felt like I was suffocating from the inside. I felt the most alone and isolated that I have ever felt in my entire life.

I ended up calling my friend Kayley, a sister in my sorority that had quickly become a friend and telling her how I was feeling. How I felt like I was losing touch with myself, how worthless I had been made to feel, how everyone I knew and loved had deserted me in a way, how I felt so alone that I didn’t know if I was going to be okay.

Kayley proceeded to give me the best life advice I have ever received. She told me to stop rushing. A habit I was fairly good at, since rushing into things was how I operated my life. She told me that after everything that happened in my life the past several months, I needed to get back in touch with myself.

With Kayley’s advice, she told me to sit down and write out a list of questions. The questions were supposed to be things that I wanted to be able to answer about myself. The hard questions you try to avoid asking yourself. After that phone call I sat down at my apartment desk and stared at a piece of paper. Eventually, twelve questions landed on it without me even thinking.

It stunned me that there were twelve questions about myself that I had no clue how to answer. As of today (April 8th, 2020 at 10:21 a.m.), this will be the first time I look at that list again.

Q1. Why do I feel like I have to be perfect at everything I do?

Q2. Why can’t I allow people to love me?

Q3. Why does commitment scare me so badly? Aside from growing up in the environment I did and watching my parents not get along very often.

Q4. Why do I crave the amount of attention I do from a significant other/person I am talking to?

Q5. What type of person do I aspire to be and how does that conflict with my current self/what I am doing now? How can I become the person I want to be?

Q6. What do I put so much emphasis on the expectations others have for me? Why do I feel the need to be good enough for other people?

Q7. Why do I second-guess every choice that I make? Why do I seek validation from others that it was the correct choice?

Q8. Why do I have such a difficult time communicating my feelings?

Q9. Why does not having a set plan for the future cause me fear and anxiety? Why can I not be okay with certain aspects of my future containing a question mark right now?

Q10. Think about the last time I really felt like myself. Like I didn’t have to pretend to be someone I was not. Who was I around? What was I doing? How did I feel?

Q11. Why am I so scared of being alone/ending up alone? Why am I not content with being by myself?

Q12. What hobbies do I have that make me truly happy?

Looking back at these questions now, I have answers for several of them. But it took a lot of soul-searching to get to that point. Progress is not made in a day and the difference between February me and the me I am now is simple. Time changes people. Time allows people to reflect on the past and try to make the present better. Time is a magical thing and time is the reason I keep growing.

I’ve had a lot of shit happen in the past several months, but I am watching myself become more me everyday. To me, that’s a victory in itself. Progress takes time, but the best things life have to offer normally do.

You just have to learn to be patient with the process and yourself.

I dare you to make your own list of hard questions. Dig deep. Figure out the hidden truths of yourself. Challenge yourself and your personal growth.

Until next time,

-SincerelyKaley