EMBERS

It’s interesting watching yourself lose your spark.

Like watching a fire get smothered.

Slowly dimming,

until it just finally goes out.

You sit back and wonder,

if it’s just coming with age,

if you are growing up and realizing

that not everything is worth your opinion.

Or if you just lost the fight

that you used to have in you.

Kerri

Happy Birthday beautiful!
You are not just my best friend, or my sorority sister, you are my family.
I love you, I’m proud of you, and I hope this birthday is the one that changes everything for you – in the best possible way!

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Talkative

I fell in love with how much you have to say

like you’ve never met someone

who speaks the same language as you.

EVERYTHING GREEN

My favorite color before you was black.

But it was only after meeting you,

that I realized

the color of the trees so closely matched

the color of green in your eyes.

I found myself

having a newfound love of nature.

Deemed Worthy

I was scared tonight.

I started worrying about the future.

What it looked like.

I spent a large amount of time in the past, trying so hard to make my future as amazing as I could. Tonight, I found myself worrying that that wouldn’t be possible. A year ago, I thought my life was cemented. That I’d finally gotten everything figured out. On paper, it was picture perfect. The minor detail I forgot to think about was if I was happy, and I wasn’t.

Looking back now, my faith in God finally restored in my life, I can see that the choice I ended up making was going to propel me into something better. I just had to wait.

Tonight, when my anxiety was overwhelming me, I turned to God. I needed wisdom from my Dad and I was reminded that lesson I had learned a few months ago, to be patient and wait.

My job is not to figure out my future, my job is to follow and seek my Father to the best of my ability. I’m learning that by doing that, my future will figure itself out; with the help of my Dad. The lesson I’m currently learning is that the harder I push to get my way faster, the longer he is going to teach me the lesson of patience.

My best friend Kerri has a dog named Ollie and she taught him how to wait – patiently, to get his tennis ball. She tells him repeatedly to wait and places the ball a ways in front of him. If he moves too early, he risks starting the process over. But when Ollie does as he was instructed and he waits until she says, “Go get it Ollie” he gets his reward and the satisfaction of pleasing his Master. In this example, I’m Ollie. Being instructed by God in this season of my life to wait for my reward and the satisfaction of pleasing my Master.

I don’t know what my future holds. I don’t know if I will get a email back about the jobs I applied for for after I graduate college. I don’t know if I will get to move to Tennessee. I don’t know if I will get the chance to open my own psychiatric practice. I don’t know if I will get engaged again. I don’t know if I will stay friends with the people I call my best friends. I don’t know if I will get the chance to get married. I don’t know if I will get the chance to have children. I don’t know who I will grow old with. I don’t know when I will die.

But I know that God’s love for me is never-ending. I know that he has an entire book filled with his promises to me. I know that “All things work for the good of those who love the Lord.” I know that “When I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I should fear no evil.” I know that “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles.” I know that “The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their cry.” I know that “The word of the Lord is upright, and all His work is done in truth.” I know that “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the path of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season; its leaf will not wither, and whatever he does will prosper.” I know that “I cried to the Lord with my voice, and He answered me from His holy hill. I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the Lord sustained me.” I know that “You have given me relief when I was in distress.” I know that “I will both lie down in peace and sleep; for You, Lord, make me dwell safely and securely.” I know that “The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Those who know Your name will put their trust in You, for You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.” I know that “I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand, I will not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; my flesh also will rest in security. For you will not leave my soul…nor will You suffer Your godly one to see corruption. You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand there are pleasures for evermore.”

God has had my back since before I was even thought about. Before my grandparents had my mother, before my mother met my father, before my parents decided to have me, and even before all of that. Since the beginning of creation, God had a plan for me.

I have an entire book of promises God has made to me. I have an entire book of miracles he preformed on people that were deemed “unworthy” or “less than” by a broken society. God made me promises because of his never-ending love for me. And God preformed miracles on those deemed “unworthy” or “less than” because he cares about all of his creations, including little ole’ me. God is a loving Father, a Father that wants the absolute best for all of his children. He knows the deep desires of my heart and he wants them for me if they line up with his plan for me.

All I have to worry about it growing closer to him. Because the closer I get to him, the more my desires for my life and the plans he has for me will line up. So what point is there in worrying about the future and my many unanswered questions, when God’s directing my show? I just get the pleasure of sitting back and watching my Dad perform another miracle, this time on my own life. And I plan to thank him for every miracle, big or small, every single step of the way.

With little fear of the future,

-SincerelyKaley

[Send]ing You Out Of My Life

Moving on is tricky. But what they don’t tell you, the real bitch involved in the healing process is learning to let go. You can move on easily. If you get fired, you find a new job. If you lose a relationship, find a new boo. If you lose friends, find new ones. Moving on, is the easiest part of the process. But the part that really guts you Internally is learning to let go.

It seems like it should be easy.

A thought I had while staring at a text I was typing up to send to someone who needed to officially be a part of my past. It should be easy. Yet, every word of that message broke my heart just a little bit more. Moving on was easy, after dealing with the emotional heartache of losing someone I cared about. I put in the work, I focused on myself. I got to the final destination of emotional recovery. I moved on. Yet, here I was realizing there was a third and final step to life. The part where you have to let go. Whether that means forgiving someone for what they did to you or closing the book at the end of the final chapter. Eventually, you have to learn to move on.

So, I sat.

Thinking about what I wanted to say in that moment was overwhelming, because there was so much to say. But I realized that sometimes you just have to let go, to me this meant keeping it simple. I owed them no further explanation, they knew everything I felt because I had told them multiple times.

I told them goodbye for good the other day.

And then I hit send.

-SincerelyKaley

A Letter From the [EX]it Plan

Last Updated: May 30th, 2020 at 11:04 A.M.

This blog post is a little different than my normal ones. I wanted to do something extra special since my summer classes start June 1st and I won’t be able to post as regularly as I have been lately.

That being said, I recently had a deep conversation with one of my best friends Katie. We discussed all of our prior relationships and what we learned along the way. After my last post addressing each of my exes Katie told me about this idea she had, based on the last relationship she had been in. I loved the idea and told her to write it up and let me post it on here. I know after reading it, I enjoyed it. So, I hope you do too!

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That is all I ever was to him, an exit plan. Anything I said, did, or tried to change was only a way out. The countless times I was led on, empty promises, and not being valued were redundant. I have realized that it is not my fault. It is not his fault either. People only change for their person. We just simply were not each other’s person. The best thing we both did was let go. He was right though; I did not trust him. After numerous times, begging him to treat me like a priority, I did not feel secure. I could feel myself slowly fading out of his life. However, I felt the need to hold on. I felt like I would not have anyone else. I thought that I was not good enough to be treated any better. I held a lot of resentment towards him for a long time. I have seen with my soulmate how everything with my ex did not work. I genuinely hope he finds his person. I hope he gets to feel loved and cherished like I do every single day.

You see, love with the person who is your soulmate is effortless… timeless even. It is the person you dance around in the kitchen when no one else is home. The man of your life is willing to get into tickle fights, nerf wars, pick you up and spin you around when you are mad at him. He will do anything to put a smile on your face. He puts that night with the boys on hold for a date night or simply have everyone together. The life partner should give you the security of trying to help you with anything that comes your way. This is what my soulmate has taught me. The small moments mean the most to your partner. Your person in life will be worth more than winning the argument. They will encourage you to be a better person. There will not be “too much time together”. Your person should not try to limit the time you share and say that you can only hang out one maybe two days a week depending on his other plans. 

All your bad habits? You adjust and work on yourself daily. You should always occasionally check in and ask: Is there anything I could be doing better or work on? Having real and constructive conversations about your relationship is healthy and ensures that you are doing the best for your partner and ensuring they feel loved and are happy. I have found love is doing his laundry because you know he hates it. It is cleaning up around him while he is cooking. It is pushing each other to try new things and going places we have never been. Love is picking up his favorite drink on the way over to see him. Every couple is different. Every person is different. That is why it is important to ask what they need from you to feel loved. 

-SincerelyKaley&Katie

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Back in early February I fell into the deepest depression I had ever experienced in my entire life. I had no interest in anything. I felt like I was just waking up everyday and playing a part. Growing up, I had never learned to cope with pain or my emotions and as I grew older and the problems became bigger; I had no idea what to do. Everything felt like the world was collapsing; it got to the point where I felt like I was suffocating from the inside. I felt the most alone and isolated that I have ever felt in my entire life.

I ended up calling my friend Kayley, a sister in my sorority that had quickly become a friend and telling her how I was feeling. How I felt like I was losing touch with myself, how worthless I had been made to feel, how everyone I knew and loved had deserted me in a way, how I felt so alone that I didn’t know if I was going to be okay.

Kayley proceeded to give me the best life advice I have ever received. She told me to stop rushing. A habit I was fairly good at, since rushing into things was how I operated my life. She told me that after everything that happened in my life the past several months, I needed to get back in touch with myself.

With Kayley’s advice, she told me to sit down and write out a list of questions. The questions were supposed to be things that I wanted to be able to answer about myself. The hard questions you try to avoid asking yourself. After that phone call I sat down at my apartment desk and stared at a piece of paper. Eventually, twelve questions landed on it without me even thinking.

It stunned me that there were twelve questions about myself that I had no clue how to answer. As of today (April 8th, 2020 at 10:21 a.m.), this will be the first time I look at that list again.

Q1. Why do I feel like I have to be perfect at everything I do?

Q2. Why can’t I allow people to love me?

Q3. Why does commitment scare me so badly? Aside from growing up in the environment I did and watching my parents not get along very often.

Q4. Why do I crave the amount of attention I do from a significant other/person I am talking to?

Q5. What type of person do I aspire to be and how does that conflict with my current self/what I am doing now? How can I become the person I want to be?

Q6. What do I put so much emphasis on the expectations others have for me? Why do I feel the need to be good enough for other people?

Q7. Why do I second-guess every choice that I make? Why do I seek validation from others that it was the correct choice?

Q8. Why do I have such a difficult time communicating my feelings?

Q9. Why does not having a set plan for the future cause me fear and anxiety? Why can I not be okay with certain aspects of my future containing a question mark right now?

Q10. Think about the last time I really felt like myself. Like I didn’t have to pretend to be someone I was not. Who was I around? What was I doing? How did I feel?

Q11. Why am I so scared of being alone/ending up alone? Why am I not content with being by myself?

Q12. What hobbies do I have that make me truly happy?

Looking back at these questions now, I have answers for several of them. But it took a lot of soul-searching to get to that point. Progress is not made in a day and the difference between February me and the me I am now is simple. Time changes people. Time allows people to reflect on the past and try to make the present better. Time is a magical thing and time is the reason I keep growing.

I’ve had a lot of shit happen in the past several months, but I am watching myself become more me everyday. To me, that’s a victory in itself. Progress takes time, but the best things life have to offer normally do.

You just have to learn to be patient with the process and yourself.

I dare you to make your own list of hard questions. Dig deep. Figure out the hidden truths of yourself. Challenge yourself and your personal growth.

Until next time,

-SincerelyKaley