The Hardest Lesson i have Had To Learn

People are like lumps of coal.

To some, those lumps of coal are just that, lumps of coal. To others, those lumps of coal hold promise. That promise is that with enough time and effort, something valuable comes out of it – a diamond.

People are like lumps of coal.

To some, that promise – regardless of the end result, will never be something they want to put their time or effort into. That metaphorical lump of coal will stay a lump of coal. To others, that promise, irregardless of what it could be, is something they want to put their time and effort into.

People are like lumps of coal.

You and me.

Sometimes in life, we find someone we deem worthy of putting our time and effort into. Hoping that they find our lump of coal worthy of their time and effort too. Sometimes, we get surprised and they do and we end up with beautiful friendships or relationships. However, most times that is not the case at all. Beautiful things, require time; something human beings, for whatever reason, are not willing to put forth.

The hardest lesson I ever had to learn is that you have to be okay with people wanting you to be a lump of coal just as much as you are okay with people who want you to be a diamond. Especially because you cannot have one without the other.

Your life in the grand scheme of this big plan, is not significant at all. If you put your minuscule time frame on the world’s timeframe, you are a dot in the center of something much more massive. The world does not owe you a single thing. This was another hard lesson I had to learn; but this lesson was just as important. It is not up to the world to give you the life you think you deserve, with the people you think you deserve. It is up to you to create that life.

This past year of my life was probably the hardest year I have had in a long time. With more personal growth than most people get their entire lives. I’ve learned more lessons about life this year than most people my age and I’m not saying that makes me wise, but it does mean I have been there. I know the feeling of thinking your life is falling apart and you have nothing left to lose. I know the feeling of perpetually being made to feel like you are just, in fact, a big ass lump of coal; that you have no potential of ever becoming a diamond.

But you do.

I learned (the hardest way possible) that it is not up to other people to define your worth. It is not up to the people around you to remind you that you have reasons your life is great, that your eyes, personality, smile, or whatever else is the reason you are pretty. It is not up to other people to remind you that you are doing the absolute best that you possibly can. Everyone is trying to do that for themselves; in the timeframe of the world, you are responsible for you.

While that thought might seem like a scary one, it’s not. There’s something beautiful in being self-assured, because when it comes down to it, you are responsible for the way you feel about who you are, where you are, and what you are. No one on the planet can take that from you.

Diamonds do not need to be told they are valuable. They sit in display cases waiting for the person who sees their worth. They know that despite being overlooked by many, they are what they are. They understand the time and effort put into creating them and they still shine by themselves, irregardless of how long they spend in that display case.

Diamonds don’t need anyone reminding them of how valuable they are. Neither do you. Be a diamond, shine as bright as you can, and the hell to everything else.

-SincerelyKaley

EMBERS

It’s interesting watching yourself lose your spark.

Like watching a fire get smothered.

Slowly dimming,

until it just finally goes out.

You sit back and wonder,

if it’s just coming with age,

if you are growing up and realizing

that not everything is worth your opinion.

Or if you just lost the fight

that you used to have in you.

Kerri

Happy Birthday beautiful!
You are not just my best friend, or my sorority sister, you are my family.
I love you, I’m proud of you, and I hope this birthday is the one that changes everything for you – in the best possible way!

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Caleb

I know that you might not think

you are special

or of particular importance,

but in the history book of my life

your name

would be on every page.

Taken

My mind goes back to you

at random moments.

It’s always the days

that I never thought you’d pop into my head.

When people make little statements,

unknowingly making my mind drift

to what could have been.

It’s only then

that I find myself

longing,

wishing,

and dreaming

that the outcome would have been different.

That you would be here,

in my arms,

safe and sound.

Where you were meant to be.

Just The Truth

Life never made sense before you

and I know now,

if there’s ever a time after you

that life won’t make sense either.

Talkative

I fell in love with how much you have to say

like you’ve never met someone

who speaks the same language as you.

EVERYTHING GREEN

My favorite color before you was black.

But it was only after meeting you,

that I realized

the color of the trees so closely matched

the color of green in your eyes.

I found myself

having a newfound love of nature.

Deemed Worthy

I was scared tonight.

I started worrying about the future.

What it looked like.

I spent a large amount of time in the past, trying so hard to make my future as amazing as I could. Tonight, I found myself worrying that that wouldn’t be possible. A year ago, I thought my life was cemented. That I’d finally gotten everything figured out. On paper, it was picture perfect. The minor detail I forgot to think about was if I was happy, and I wasn’t.

Looking back now, my faith in God finally restored in my life, I can see that the choice I ended up making was going to propel me into something better. I just had to wait.

Tonight, when my anxiety was overwhelming me, I turned to God. I needed wisdom from my Dad and I was reminded that lesson I had learned a few months ago, to be patient and wait.

My job is not to figure out my future, my job is to follow and seek my Father to the best of my ability. I’m learning that by doing that, my future will figure itself out; with the help of my Dad. The lesson I’m currently learning is that the harder I push to get my way faster, the longer he is going to teach me the lesson of patience.

My best friend Kerri has a dog named Ollie and she taught him how to wait – patiently, to get his tennis ball. She tells him repeatedly to wait and places the ball a ways in front of him. If he moves too early, he risks starting the process over. But when Ollie does as he was instructed and he waits until she says, “Go get it Ollie” he gets his reward and the satisfaction of pleasing his Master. In this example, I’m Ollie. Being instructed by God in this season of my life to wait for my reward and the satisfaction of pleasing my Master.

I don’t know what my future holds. I don’t know if I will get a email back about the jobs I applied for for after I graduate college. I don’t know if I will get to move to Tennessee. I don’t know if I will get the chance to open my own psychiatric practice. I don’t know if I will get engaged again. I don’t know if I will stay friends with the people I call my best friends. I don’t know if I will get the chance to get married. I don’t know if I will get the chance to have children. I don’t know who I will grow old with. I don’t know when I will die.

But I know that God’s love for me is never-ending. I know that he has an entire book filled with his promises to me. I know that “All things work for the good of those who love the Lord.” I know that “When I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I should fear no evil.” I know that “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles.” I know that “The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their cry.” I know that “The word of the Lord is upright, and all His work is done in truth.” I know that “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the path of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season; its leaf will not wither, and whatever he does will prosper.” I know that “I cried to the Lord with my voice, and He answered me from His holy hill. I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the Lord sustained me.” I know that “You have given me relief when I was in distress.” I know that “I will both lie down in peace and sleep; for You, Lord, make me dwell safely and securely.” I know that “The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Those who know Your name will put their trust in You, for You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.” I know that “I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand, I will not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices; my flesh also will rest in security. For you will not leave my soul…nor will You suffer Your godly one to see corruption. You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand there are pleasures for evermore.”

God has had my back since before I was even thought about. Before my grandparents had my mother, before my mother met my father, before my parents decided to have me, and even before all of that. Since the beginning of creation, God had a plan for me.

I have an entire book of promises God has made to me. I have an entire book of miracles he preformed on people that were deemed “unworthy” or “less than” by a broken society. God made me promises because of his never-ending love for me. And God preformed miracles on those deemed “unworthy” or “less than” because he cares about all of his creations, including little ole’ me. God is a loving Father, a Father that wants the absolute best for all of his children. He knows the deep desires of my heart and he wants them for me if they line up with his plan for me.

All I have to worry about it growing closer to him. Because the closer I get to him, the more my desires for my life and the plans he has for me will line up. So what point is there in worrying about the future and my many unanswered questions, when God’s directing my show? I just get the pleasure of sitting back and watching my Dad perform another miracle, this time on my own life. And I plan to thank him for every miracle, big or small, every single step of the way.

With little fear of the future,

-SincerelyKaley

[Send]ing You Out Of My Life

Moving on is tricky. But what they don’t tell you, the real bitch involved in the healing process is learning to let go. You can move on easily. If you get fired, you find a new job. If you lose a relationship, find a new boo. If you lose friends, find new ones. Moving on, is the easiest part of the process. But the part that really guts you Internally is learning to let go.

It seems like it should be easy.

A thought I had while staring at a text I was typing up to send to someone who needed to officially be a part of my past. It should be easy. Yet, every word of that message broke my heart just a little bit more. Moving on was easy, after dealing with the emotional heartache of losing someone I cared about. I put in the work, I focused on myself. I got to the final destination of emotional recovery. I moved on. Yet, here I was realizing there was a third and final step to life. The part where you have to let go. Whether that means forgiving someone for what they did to you or closing the book at the end of the final chapter. Eventually, you have to learn to move on.

So, I sat.

Thinking about what I wanted to say in that moment was overwhelming, because there was so much to say. But I realized that sometimes you just have to let go, to me this meant keeping it simple. I owed them no further explanation, they knew everything I felt because I had told them multiple times.

I told them goodbye for good the other day.

And then I hit send.

-SincerelyKaley