The Hardest Lesson i have Had To Learn

People are like lumps of coal.

To some, those lumps of coal are just that, lumps of coal. To others, those lumps of coal hold promise. That promise is that with enough time and effort, something valuable comes out of it – a diamond.

People are like lumps of coal.

To some, that promise – regardless of the end result, will never be something they want to put their time or effort into. That metaphorical lump of coal will stay a lump of coal. To others, that promise, irregardless of what it could be, is something they want to put their time and effort into.

People are like lumps of coal.

You and me.

Sometimes in life, we find someone we deem worthy of putting our time and effort into. Hoping that they find our lump of coal worthy of their time and effort too. Sometimes, we get surprised and they do and we end up with beautiful friendships or relationships. However, most times that is not the case at all. Beautiful things, require time; something human beings, for whatever reason, are not willing to put forth.

The hardest lesson I ever had to learn is that you have to be okay with people wanting you to be a lump of coal just as much as you are okay with people who want you to be a diamond. Especially because you cannot have one without the other.

Your life in the grand scheme of this big plan, is not significant at all. If you put your minuscule time frame on the world’s timeframe, you are a dot in the center of something much more massive. The world does not owe you a single thing. This was another hard lesson I had to learn; but this lesson was just as important. It is not up to the world to give you the life you think you deserve, with the people you think you deserve. It is up to you to create that life.

This past year of my life was probably the hardest year I have had in a long time. With more personal growth than most people get their entire lives. I’ve learned more lessons about life this year than most people my age and I’m not saying that makes me wise, but it does mean I have been there. I know the feeling of thinking your life is falling apart and you have nothing left to lose. I know the feeling of perpetually being made to feel like you are just, in fact, a big ass lump of coal; that you have no potential of ever becoming a diamond.

But you do.

I learned (the hardest way possible) that it is not up to other people to define your worth. It is not up to the people around you to remind you that you have reasons your life is great, that your eyes, personality, smile, or whatever else is the reason you are pretty. It is not up to other people to remind you that you are doing the absolute best that you possibly can. Everyone is trying to do that for themselves; in the timeframe of the world, you are responsible for you.

While that thought might seem like a scary one, it’s not. There’s something beautiful in being self-assured, because when it comes down to it, you are responsible for the way you feel about who you are, where you are, and what you are. No one on the planet can take that from you.

Diamonds do not need to be told they are valuable. They sit in display cases waiting for the person who sees their worth. They know that despite being overlooked by many, they are what they are. They understand the time and effort put into creating them and they still shine by themselves, irregardless of how long they spend in that display case.

Diamonds don’t need anyone reminding them of how valuable they are. Neither do you. Be a diamond, shine as bright as you can, and the hell to everything else.

-SincerelyKaley

Kerri

Happy Birthday beautiful!
You are not just my best friend, or my sorority sister, you are my family.
I love you, I’m proud of you, and I hope this birthday is the one that changes everything for you – in the best possible way!

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Taken

My mind goes back to you

at random moments.

It’s always the days

that I never thought you’d pop into my head.

When people make little statements,

unknowingly making my mind drift

to what could have been.

It’s only then

that I find myself

longing,

wishing,

and dreaming

that the outcome would have been different.

That you would be here,

in my arms,

safe and sound.

Where you were meant to be.

Talkative

I fell in love with how much you have to say

like you’ve never met someone

who speaks the same language as you.

EVERYTHING GREEN

My favorite color before you was black.

But it was only after meeting you,

that I realized

the color of the trees so closely matched

the color of green in your eyes.

I found myself

having a newfound love of nature.

Sweet Dreams

{Written: Feb. 17, 2020}

A/N: I’ve had a lot of stuff I’ve written in my phone stored away for several weeks now, so I figured I would post it since I haven’t posted on here for a while.

It’s 5:00 a.m.

You’re finally going to sleep.

I’m curious of what comes next when your head hits the pillow.

Do you find yourself thinking back to me?

Does the urge to text me ever consume you?

Do you ever wonder how I’m doing?

Does it ever overwhelm you to think about me,

so much so that it haunts your dreams?

When you finally shut your eyes

do I pop up in your brain?

Do you see the face of a girl

one so desperate for love and affection,

that she stupidly stuck around

as things went in the wrong direction?

Does my face dance across your mind

when you think back to the time,

when your mind was made up and you wanted to be mine?

Do you see my face the night you told me you didn’t want this anymore?

Or do you just see the face of a girl you convinced to keep your bed warm?

I hope I haunt your dreams,

the way you haunted mine.

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Back in early February I fell into the deepest depression I had ever experienced in my entire life. I had no interest in anything. I felt like I was just waking up everyday and playing a part. Growing up, I had never learned to cope with pain or my emotions and as I grew older and the problems became bigger; I had no idea what to do. Everything felt like the world was collapsing; it got to the point where I felt like I was suffocating from the inside. I felt the most alone and isolated that I have ever felt in my entire life.

I ended up calling my friend Kayley, a sister in my sorority that had quickly become a friend and telling her how I was feeling. How I felt like I was losing touch with myself, how worthless I had been made to feel, how everyone I knew and loved had deserted me in a way, how I felt so alone that I didn’t know if I was going to be okay.

Kayley proceeded to give me the best life advice I have ever received. She told me to stop rushing. A habit I was fairly good at, since rushing into things was how I operated my life. She told me that after everything that happened in my life the past several months, I needed to get back in touch with myself.

With Kayley’s advice, she told me to sit down and write out a list of questions. The questions were supposed to be things that I wanted to be able to answer about myself. The hard questions you try to avoid asking yourself. After that phone call I sat down at my apartment desk and stared at a piece of paper. Eventually, twelve questions landed on it without me even thinking.

It stunned me that there were twelve questions about myself that I had no clue how to answer. As of today (April 8th, 2020 at 10:21 a.m.), this will be the first time I look at that list again.

Q1. Why do I feel like I have to be perfect at everything I do?

Q2. Why can’t I allow people to love me?

Q3. Why does commitment scare me so badly? Aside from growing up in the environment I did and watching my parents not get along very often.

Q4. Why do I crave the amount of attention I do from a significant other/person I am talking to?

Q5. What type of person do I aspire to be and how does that conflict with my current self/what I am doing now? How can I become the person I want to be?

Q6. What do I put so much emphasis on the expectations others have for me? Why do I feel the need to be good enough for other people?

Q7. Why do I second-guess every choice that I make? Why do I seek validation from others that it was the correct choice?

Q8. Why do I have such a difficult time communicating my feelings?

Q9. Why does not having a set plan for the future cause me fear and anxiety? Why can I not be okay with certain aspects of my future containing a question mark right now?

Q10. Think about the last time I really felt like myself. Like I didn’t have to pretend to be someone I was not. Who was I around? What was I doing? How did I feel?

Q11. Why am I so scared of being alone/ending up alone? Why am I not content with being by myself?

Q12. What hobbies do I have that make me truly happy?

Looking back at these questions now, I have answers for several of them. But it took a lot of soul-searching to get to that point. Progress is not made in a day and the difference between February me and the me I am now is simple. Time changes people. Time allows people to reflect on the past and try to make the present better. Time is a magical thing and time is the reason I keep growing.

I’ve had a lot of shit happen in the past several months, but I am watching myself become more me everyday. To me, that’s a victory in itself. Progress takes time, but the best things life have to offer normally do.

You just have to learn to be patient with the process and yourself.

I dare you to make your own list of hard questions. Dig deep. Figure out the hidden truths of yourself. Challenge yourself and your personal growth.

Until next time,

-SincerelyKaley