Kerri

Happy Birthday beautiful!
You are not just my best friend, or my sorority sister, you are my family.
I love you, I’m proud of you, and I hope this birthday is the one that changes everything for you – in the best possible way!

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Taken

My mind goes back to you

at random moments.

It’s always the days

that I never thought you’d pop into my head.

When people make little statements,

unknowingly making my mind drift

to what could have been.

It’s only then

that I find myself

longing,

wishing,

and dreaming

that the outcome would have been different.

That you would be here,

in my arms,

safe and sound.

Where you were meant to be.

Talkative

I fell in love with how much you have to say

like you’ve never met someone

who speaks the same language as you.

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Back in early February I fell into the deepest depression I had ever experienced in my entire life. I had no interest in anything. I felt like I was just waking up everyday and playing a part. Growing up, I had never learned to cope with pain or my emotions and as I grew older and the problems became bigger; I had no idea what to do. Everything felt like the world was collapsing; it got to the point where I felt like I was suffocating from the inside. I felt the most alone and isolated that I have ever felt in my entire life.

I ended up calling my friend Kayley, a sister in my sorority that had quickly become a friend and telling her how I was feeling. How I felt like I was losing touch with myself, how worthless I had been made to feel, how everyone I knew and loved had deserted me in a way, how I felt so alone that I didn’t know if I was going to be okay.

Kayley proceeded to give me the best life advice I have ever received. She told me to stop rushing. A habit I was fairly good at, since rushing into things was how I operated my life. She told me that after everything that happened in my life the past several months, I needed to get back in touch with myself.

With Kayley’s advice, she told me to sit down and write out a list of questions. The questions were supposed to be things that I wanted to be able to answer about myself. The hard questions you try to avoid asking yourself. After that phone call I sat down at my apartment desk and stared at a piece of paper. Eventually, twelve questions landed on it without me even thinking.

It stunned me that there were twelve questions about myself that I had no clue how to answer. As of today (April 8th, 2020 at 10:21 a.m.), this will be the first time I look at that list again.

Q1. Why do I feel like I have to be perfect at everything I do?

Q2. Why can’t I allow people to love me?

Q3. Why does commitment scare me so badly? Aside from growing up in the environment I did and watching my parents not get along very often.

Q4. Why do I crave the amount of attention I do from a significant other/person I am talking to?

Q5. What type of person do I aspire to be and how does that conflict with my current self/what I am doing now? How can I become the person I want to be?

Q6. What do I put so much emphasis on the expectations others have for me? Why do I feel the need to be good enough for other people?

Q7. Why do I second-guess every choice that I make? Why do I seek validation from others that it was the correct choice?

Q8. Why do I have such a difficult time communicating my feelings?

Q9. Why does not having a set plan for the future cause me fear and anxiety? Why can I not be okay with certain aspects of my future containing a question mark right now?

Q10. Think about the last time I really felt like myself. Like I didn’t have to pretend to be someone I was not. Who was I around? What was I doing? How did I feel?

Q11. Why am I so scared of being alone/ending up alone? Why am I not content with being by myself?

Q12. What hobbies do I have that make me truly happy?

Looking back at these questions now, I have answers for several of them. But it took a lot of soul-searching to get to that point. Progress is not made in a day and the difference between February me and the me I am now is simple. Time changes people. Time allows people to reflect on the past and try to make the present better. Time is a magical thing and time is the reason I keep growing.

I’ve had a lot of shit happen in the past several months, but I am watching myself become more me everyday. To me, that’s a victory in itself. Progress takes time, but the best things life have to offer normally do.

You just have to learn to be patient with the process and yourself.

I dare you to make your own list of hard questions. Dig deep. Figure out the hidden truths of yourself. Challenge yourself and your personal growth.

Until next time,

-SincerelyKaley